When Sebastien and I went to our precanna class to prepare for marriage, the priest said, one out of three couple will have fertility problems. He told us to look around because several of us would have trouble concieveing a child. Then he asked us to discuss what we would do if it were one of us. Although we discussed what we would do if we could not have children, I felt like I was invicible. My father has 21 brothers and sisters. Seventeen children from his mother. My mother has 11 siblings.
When I became pregnant with my honeymoon baby, the idea of a belgium lace gown resurfaced. My inlaws were still in Belgium and purchasing a heirloom gown became a real possibility. But I spoke of the gown to no one. My mother in law confessed that she thought about giving a baptism gown as a gift when we were married. Unfortunately, at fifteen weeks gestation I lost the baby. I was devasted and angered by the loss something so precious. A woman is intimately aware of the little life growing inside of her. I experienced its death with the same intimacy.
Months passed and now it had come time for my inlaws to leave Belgium. I wasn't pregnant and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to have a child. Still; I had to ask. The gown had come to represent not only a catholic rite, but also my dream of one day being a mother. I felt guilty for wanting something that may never be. When I learned my inlaws were leaving Bruge, I began to cry. I told Sebastien to call his mother and ask for the gown. I felt broken by my loss but couldn't give up, even if I felt it was wrong to ask for such a request. Yolette said she would get the gown for us.
When I became pregnant with Xavier, I was told the gown was tucked away in a closet at Aunt Betty's house. I left it there just in case something went wrong with this pregnancy. I waited scared that something might go wrong again but the weeks rolled and months rolled by and the child inside of me continued to grow. I could see the little outline of Xavier's foot pressing against me. Every kick was reassurance that he was well. When the Xavier became viable, I decided to wait until he was born just in case. When Xavier was two months old I opened the closet and recieved the gown. I am finally a mother. My son is here to stay. I get to experienced all the little milestones of my son's life.
Being a mother is one of the best gifts that I can have ever experience. It's much better than I ever dreamed. Sometimes Xavier wakes up in the middle of the night to nurse and babble to me. Sometimes he takes his soft little hand and touches my face and stares at me. He makes me melt. Life is more than little milestones. It is also the day to day moments.
Now that the baptism is underway, I tried the baptism gown on Xavier. It is absolutely beautiful; made with belgium lace. It is 12month size. Xavier is five months old. I put the gown on him. The length of the arms fit, the hem of the dress is extra long, but the buttons in the back would not meet. My son is thriving and growing so well that he needs to wear a 24 month size gown. I guess it is a good problem to have after all the trouble we have been through. I will have to save the gown for the next baby and find another for Xavier. Although he may not get to wear the gown, it is a gift I will never forget.
